I thought I was just stressed.  With my husband’s job loss, my taking on a part time job in addition to my full time teaching job, and being new parents, I honestly thought my short temper and loss of control was stress.

Far too often I caught myself belittling those I loved.  I told my mom on many occasions that she was a terrible mother.  I told my husband he was worthless.  And I locked myself in my room whenever my son would cry.

I couldn’t control my mind.  I couldn’t control my feelings.  I couldn’t control my situation.

I began spiraling.

I needed things to appear perfect, but just under the surface I couldn’t even organize myself long enough to do simple tasks.  I am a teacher, and lesson plans that I used to whip together often took hours.  To Do lists that used to help me feel organized began to confound me.  I never could pick where to start.  So I just cried.

Paranoia set in.  I felt like everyone was judging me.  They were noticing my flaws as a teacher, a wife, a friend, a human, but mostly?  As a mother.  I was sure people were trying to avoid me.  I was sure people were trying to make me look even worse.  And I was SURE people were being one way to my face and another behind my back.

I felt alone.  And in that loneliness, I lashed out.

I didn’t just belittle, I began to throw things.  To hit myself.  To try to get the miserable out of my head and just … out.  But I couldn’t.  It really was out of my control.

My husband suggested I talk to my doctor.  That small-voiced, unsure suggestion?  Saved my our marriage, and my life.


Posted on

December 18, 2013

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