I thought I was just stressed. With my husband’s job loss, my taking on a part time job in addition to my full time teaching job, and being new parents, I honestly thought my short temper and loss of control was stress.
Far too often I caught myself belittling those I loved. I told my mom on many occasions that she was a terrible mother. I told my husband he was worthless. And I locked myself in my room whenever my son would cry.
I couldn’t control my mind. I couldn’t control my feelings. I couldn’t control my situation.
I began spiraling.
I needed things to appear perfect, but just under the surface I couldn’t even organize myself long enough to do simple tasks. I am a teacher, and lesson plans that I used to whip together often took hours. To Do lists that used to help me feel organized began to confound me. I never could pick where to start. So I just cried.
Paranoia set in. I felt like everyone was judging me. They were noticing my flaws as a teacher, a wife, a friend, a human, but mostly? As a mother. I was sure people were trying to avoid me. I was sure people were trying to make me look even worse. And I was SURE people were being one way to my face and another behind my back.
I felt alone. And in that loneliness, I lashed out.
I didn’t just belittle, I began to throw things. To hit myself. To try to get the miserable out of my head and just … out. But I couldn’t. It really was out of my control.
My husband suggested I talk to my doctor. That small-voiced, unsure suggestion? Saved my our marriage, and my life.